Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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