the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize