Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
