I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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