I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
