I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
