i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
