your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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