I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
