if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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