She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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