I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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