You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
