Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
