Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
