apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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