I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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