On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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