the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
