you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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