i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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