Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm getting married
To pizza
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
