If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
