girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
How does it feel to date your dad?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
