I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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