did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
