i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
