My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
