i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize