Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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