Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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