I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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