Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
