no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
