My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
