I have demons in me.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
