Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i will never coherently bang her
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
