I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
