just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
