That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
