Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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