If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
