Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Apparently you make a good broom.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
worst night to have a conscience
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
