On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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