I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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