Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
