rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
