This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
