I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
