the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
