Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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