I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
