Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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