I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
