She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
