Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize