dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
