get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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